Faith Unraveling

For 12 years I was a practicing evangelical Christian. But in the spring of 2015 my faith began unraveling, until all that was left was a mess of loose ends, like the tattered remains of a frayed ribbon.

Over a decade of my life has gone to waste on a god who supposedly loved me unconditionally - just as long as I wasn't gay

Who Am I Praying To?

I oftentimes find myself shooting out random prayers still, mostly in my head but even out loud at times. This has lessened a lot but I went through a time of great turmoil when I prayed automatically or turned to prayer often but then realized that I no longer knew who or what I was praying to.

For those 12 years I had the most amazing beautiful faith. A faith that I assumed all Christians had but eventually I came to discover that this was not typical.

For the last three years I’ve tried to reconcile what that means since I no longer believe what I used to.

As Long As I Wasn’t Gay

I’ve shared previously in my coming out story the role organized religion played in the denial of my sexuality. Over a decade of my life has gone to waste on a god who supposedly loved me unconditionally – just as long as I wasn’t gay. For a while I tried hard to believe in the same god and the same religion, just not the church or it’s people.

Eventually I had to let it all go. But now I’m this person who still whispers random prayers or thank you’s into thin air and I get sad in a nostalgic kind of way because I no longer have faith in anything anymore.

Where Do I Put My Faith

I want to believe in something bigger than myself. But to believe in the god who the Christians worship is no longer a plausible option. Can I put my faith in the universe? A friend of mine says that they have always trusted that what is meant for them will not pass them by. Am I willing to believe that for myself?

Reconciling faith and sexuality. Does god still love me even though I’m gay?


One thought on “Ye of little faith..

  1. Hi,
    I came across your blog because it was sent to me by someone else. I think we live in the same small town 🙂 I just wanted to reach out and say that this post made me so sad! I know that a lot of Christians have messed it up, but I just want to say that the God I believe in loves you. Not in spite of you being gay and trans (or is it trans instead of gay? I honestly don’t know!) but BECAUSE you are trans. He created you. He knows who you are. He doesn’t make mistakes. I hope you can stop feeling sad when you send up and prayer to him <3


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