For 12 years I was a practicing evangelical Christian. But in the spring of 2015 my faith began unraveling, until all that was left was a mess of loose ends, like the tattered remains of a frayed ribbon.
I oftentimes find myself shooting out random prayers still, mostly in my head but even out loud at times. This has lessened a lot but I went through a time of great turmoil when I prayed automatically or turned to prayer often but then realized that I no longer knew who or what I was praying to.
For those 12 years I had the most amazing beautiful faith. A faith that I assumed all Christians had but eventually I came to discover that this was not typical.
For the last three years I’ve tried to reconcile what that means since I no longer believe what I used to.
I’ve shared previously in my coming out story the role organized religion played in the denial of my sexuality. Over a decade of my life has gone to waste on a god who supposedly loved me unconditionally – just so long as I wasn’t gay. For a while I tried hard to believe in the same god and the same religion, just not the church or it’s people.
Eventually I had to let it all go. But now I’m this person who still whispers random prayers or thank you’s into thin air and I get sad in a nostalgic kind of way because I no longer have faith in anything anymore.
I want to believe in something bigger than myself. But to believe in the god who the Christians worship is no longer a plausible option. Can I put my faith in the universe? A friend of mine says that they have always trusted that what is meant for them will not pass them by. Am I willing to believe that for myself?