What if tomorrow I woke up as a boy? Would all my dreams come true? Would life suddenly and for the first time make sense? Or would I feel just as lost, confused, alone as I’ve always felt being told that I’m a girl?
For the last few weeks I’ve been pondering these questions. I read these words a while back and they immediately resonated to the depths of my soul.
But then there’s this:
I have no doubt that I “feel” like a guy at the core of who I am, but I don’t want to be constricted to society’s view of what it means to be a man.
For months I’ve agonized over labels, stereotypes and appearances. I’ve wrestled with the inability to “pass” as me. Voices in my head mocking me, insisting that I’m seen as a fraud. Fooling myself into thinking that my battle was with society when all along I’ve been warring against my own demons, internalized transphobia.
I’ve been trying to convince myself that everything would make more sense if I went on testosterone and could “pass” as male in the world. But the problem is, as much as I know that I am masculine rather than feminine, I am no more a man than I am a woman, and I just haven’t quite wrapped my black and white brain around what it means to be non-binary.
I know how to navigate the world acting as a woman. I have no doubt that I could exist in society as a man. What I have yet to figure out is how one thrives in this gender obsessed culture as a non-binary person.