Fear. What is fear? Here’s a definition of fear – an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat.
Being on the fence – If you’re on the fence, you can’t decide something. You’re torn between two options.
I think I’m on the fence about testosterone. Fear is holding me back.
Right now I’m in this somewhat comfortable position of passing as a butch lesbian. I despise these labels. I am a transgender man. I am not a tomboy. I am not butch. I am not a lesbian. But I’m safe. I’m comfortable.
If I choose to go on testosterone, I’m going to have no choice but to have some difficult conversations with family members. Right now, they accept that I am a gay woman who is a tomboy. I’ve always been seen as a tomboy and that’s perfectly acceptable. I might not like it, but I’m comfortable sitting on the fence. But comfortable doesn’t necessarily equal content. If I lived in a world where my decisions had no impact on anyone, if nobody cared about my choices, I’m almost certain that I would go on testosterone. But people will be affected, possibly even hurt, so fear keeps me from leaping off the fence.
So what do I do? How do I possibly decide. And what if I change my mind. What if testosterone isn’t the cure all for my gender issues? Let’s say I get off that fence, I start taking T and my outsides still don’t line up with my insides? Then what? Fear. What ifs. Maybes. Doubts. Unknowns. These all keep me from taking that leap.
They say if you flip a coin and whatever you want the outcome to be is ultimately what you want then that’s what you choose. The problem isn’t that I’m undecided, it’s that I’m afraid to make the call. I’m unable to choose my desire. I’m fraught with what ifs. I’m terrified to have those awkward conversations. I know now that it’s fear that’s keeping me on the fence. I have the support of the handful of people who are my world but what about the ones who’s opinions still matter even if I try to fool myself into believing that they don’t?