So here’s the thing, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. I have zero desire to be seen as a cis man. But damn if that’s not hard some days. I mean super effen exhausting and dysphoria inducing.
Because I don’t have the need to pass as a cis man, I have to endure being she’d, ma’am’d and lady’d every single day. These labels make me cringe. I hear them and it’s a literal punch to the gut.
The other day at work I was referred to as “lad” and I was ecstatic. Skip in my step elated. Of course I can’t actually skip because it’s not “masculine” enough. If I had facial hair and a deeper voice, I could be as stereotypically femme as I wished. This isn’t the case, therefore I take every possible step to appear masculine.
When I wear flannel, I’m seen as a butch lesbian. When I have earrings in I’m just a rebellious girl who shaved her head. When I want to attempt to pass, mostly when I’m at work, I don’t wear these things. I despise the fact that I have to take steps to “pass” but I do it. I go along with what society needs in order to alleviate my dysphoria.
I don’t get upset with strangers or even blame them for misgendering me. They aren’t doing it to be transphobic. It’s the way of our society. We are bombarded by the gender binary. The majority of customers who frequent my place of work have little experience outside the binary.
It’s unfortunate and annoying that as a transgender man who isn’t on testosterone, I’m seen as a tomboy or a butch 99% of the time. If a transgender woman is doing everything she possibly can to pass without or before taking hormones, she is seen as a trans woman. There is no doubt about who she is. And strangers who misgender trans women in this case are being transphobic.
I do consider myself lucky though. The inability to pass isn’t a safety issue for me. Using a public restroom is becoming increasingly awkward, but I never feel unsafe. I know this isn’t the case for my trans sisters.
This is why I am choosing to make it my purpose to destroy the binary, to bring more awareness to nonbinary and gendernonconforming identities. There are many amazing bloggers and YouTubers bringing awareness and education to the world on FTM & MTF issues and topics.
When I first started transitioning, it was easy to find information on being a trans man and the steps you take to medically transition. But what about the people who don’t identify with their assigned gender, do identify as the opposite gender, but don’t wish to conform to the binary? I’m assuming that if this describes me, I am not the only human who feels this way. If this resonates with you, know that you’re not alone.