A friend sent me this song the other day and a couple of lines resonated with me, especially when it comes to my gender.
I don’t wanna spend my life
Trying to fight for what’s not mine
I don’t wanna lose myself
In someone else’s dream
These lines make me think of hormones and surgeries and all that medically transitioning entails. I know you’re probably wondering how on earth some lines in a song, a Christian song nonetheless 🙄😆, can make me think of such things.
Let me attempt to explain. I am a trans guy. My outsides do not match my insides. For many transgender people, the answer is simple, take all the necessary steps to medically transition. Once you do this, your outsides will match your insides. I’m afraid for me, this just isn’t the case. I don’t believe taking testosterone and having bottom and top surgery will help me become the person I know that I am. This is where the lines in the song come in. Taking those steps feel to me like I would be living someone else’s dream, fighting for something that isn’t mine.
I understand many people, trans included, can’t comprehend this. I acknowledge that I’ll always be scrutinized by other trans folks for not being genuine or authentic because I don’t believe that passing as a cisgender man is the right choice for me.
Contrary to others’ opinions, this doesn’t make me any less trans or any less of a guy. I think this is why I choose to label myself as nonbinary transmasculine. I let society’s ideals and my own internal struggles with stereotypes hold me back from simply identifying as male.
Medically transitioning in order to pass as a cisgender man is someone else’s dream. It’s not my desire. My aim in life is to destroy the stereotypes surrounding gender, rather than join the masses who continue to grasp so tightly to the idea that people have to fit into one of two boxes.