I started a new job this week and I’m loving it. Just getting out of the house and making my own money feels amazing. But even better than that, my direct supervisor is a transman! The company I’m working for takes great pride in supporting LGBTQ people. Every person I met this week has been genuinely happy, friendly and incredibly welcoming.
I also attended my first transgender support group meeting recently. This was an interesting experience. I’ve never been in a room with so many trans people at one time.
I received an immense amount of gender validation this week and yet I’m filled with uncertainty and some sadness rather than the elation I would have expected.
A few months ago I didn’t understand the problematic issues surrounding the gender binary. I couldn’t conceptualize what it meant to be agender, genderless or nonbinary. It feels amazing to be referred to as he/him and yet it’s left me with an internal struggle. Society will never see me as male if I don’t medically transition. I understand this, I can even accept it. But the more validated I feel, the more affected I seem to be when I’m misgendered.
Everywhere I go, I am bombarded by the binary. Even trans friendly and trans safe spaces feel unnecessarily gendered. People’s need to make me fit into some sort of invisible made up box is increasing my dysphoria exponentially.
I feel like I have two choices.
- Take the necessary steps to fit into society’s box. As I’ve mentioned before, I am not interested in medically transitioning, at least not to the extent that would allow me to visibly fit inside the box that most closely suits me. Or
- I can keep fighting and pushing to destroy the stereotypes and assumptions. I can ignore the people who are trying to shove me into boxes that mean nothing and should no longer exist.
Recently, I’ve gained some clarity where my gender is concerned. I’ve come to realize that I don’t fit at one end of the binary or the other. I can’t exist inside either one of society’s boxes. Therefore option 2 is my only choice. I must fight. A war which is more of an internal struggle than anything. But also a battle to destroy the binary for my sake, Beckett’s and generations to come.